Loss of Control

Lately my anxiety has been getting the better of me. I’ve been finding it hard to keep up with responsibilities and for the most part I feel numb/emotionless towards everything. I have been falling behind in my classes and the scariest part is that I don’t even seem to care. This is my last semester attending County College so if all goes well, I will receive my Associate’s Degree in January. After that I will be able to transfer to a 4 year university to work towards my Bachelor’s. But in order for all of that to happen, I have to successfully complete the classes that I am taking now. So you would think that I would be trying to make that happen, right? Well I am not. I used to be so excited for the future but I seem to be stuck in a place of not wanting it to come. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t get it together. I don’t understand why I get this way but I do and it cripples me. The only thing I’ve been wanting to do is stay home and not be bothered by anyone or anything.

If you suffer from anxiety, you understand how destructive these thoughts can be. How damaging they can be to your life. They are intrusive thoughts that can not be silenced or slowed down when it’s at its worst. It’s hard for those who do not experience anxiety to understand it, especially when the sufferer can’t exactly explain it themselves. The way that I describe my anxiety is that the thoughts are loud, fast and messy. Though my physical movements are slow. My physical cripples but my mental runs wild.

This picture represents my thoughts better than words can.

I’ve made a plan for what I need to do to get myself back on track with school before it’s too late, but that’s the easy part. The challenge is getting myself to care and actually do it. And as for my relationship, I know that with a crappy mental and student life that will fall apart very quickly which I am not willing to let happen. I am tired of letting my anxiety control my life and yet I am still struggling to beat it.

I would love any kind of advice or encouragement from anyone who took the time to read this. Please feel free to share your thoughts on the topic or any experiences you’ve had dealing with anxiety. It’s nice to know that we are not alone in these kinds of situations.


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